If This Is Tuesday, We Must be Closer to Friday

So, Bucky and are still in bed at 11:30 this morning. Cory has read my blog from yesterday, and says to herself, "These people are really depressed -- I've gotta help them." So she calls on the phone and asks us to join her for lunch. We hurriedly dress and pick her up at AI. With much reassurance, she got us through lunch and we are doing okay tonight. Cory sent us an email from an FMD patient who has had FMD on both of her carotid arteries, and we read explicitly what surgery she had. Although the procedures sound ghastly, she is alive to describe them, so that in itself is very reassuring to us. Tonight we are a bit more resigned to whatever happens on Friday -- we know that some intervention is absolutely necessary, and the risk of not doing anything about the aneurysm outweighs any other possibility. It is our fervent hope that whatever procedure is in order happens quickly. I don't know how we will deal with a delay of another couple of weeks. It has been unbearable thinking about that damned aneurysm, knowing it's sitting there, capable of erupting at any time, wanting to hover over Kim but knowing it's not healthy for her or us to do that. As a parent, I've spoken many times about "inhaling" one of the kids up the stairs safely when she was little and she was precariously attempting the stairs herself, headed toward me. If I lunged forward to grab her, it could send her flying backwards, so I literally pulled myself back from the stairs into the hall, forcing the child to keep heading toward me. I feel like I'm doing that now, inhaling Kim away from the aneurysm, stroke, anesthesia, surgery. I obviously can do nothing to protect her from all of these, but my maternal connection is so strong, I feel like if I breathe for her, she won't have to breathe so hard. Just as I write this, I feel myself tightening my breathing, and reminding myself to relax (gotta look that one up in the dictionary -- can't remember what it means) and breathe.

So tonight, as I prepare to sleep, I am focusing on things I must do to prepare for the trip to NYC -- laundry is now done, and we must prepare an overnight bag just in case she is admitted Friday night. I've bought her a couple pairs of pajamas -- she'll feel better if she's not wearing the hospital johnnies. I'm thinking about things to take in the car to keep her spirits up and her blood pressure down. Even though she'll probably sleep all the way up, she's tired so much of the time. I have only two more nights to enter additional blogs before we head to New York. When this is over, I'm promising myself to get a really good massage. There's this one spot at the top of my back, right betwen the shoulders, that's just so tight. My whole back is so tense right now, my neck hurts, and my head feels heavy. Pobably sympathy pangs for Kim. I think a big sigh of relief is in order, but we'll just have to wait.